My friend, Katherine, sent this forward to me and I just HAD to add it as a blog post because I thought it was SOOOOO cute (and SO how we will be someday! LOL)
Application for Permission to Date My DaughterNOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________ __________________HOME ADDRESS___________________ ____
CITY/ STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ______________________________ _______________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain______________________________ ____________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __Nopierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISC ONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?______________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?____________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?____________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ __
Church you attend ______________________________ _____________________ How often you attend ______________________________ __________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
pastor/priest ? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:______________________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do with your life ? _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:_____________________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, & RED HOT POKERS.
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.(you might watch your back)To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating ….
Daddy’s Rules for Dating
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
3. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
4. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops , midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
5. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
6. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns.